Week 10, Day 75
Today sucked. Like really sucked.
This week has shown me several things. The first thing being that as a human, I am a frail and generally unproductive mammal, who (praise be to Jesus) only has a chance because God was gracious enough to send His Son. Yes it has been that kind of week, and it is only Wednesday.
This verse I read on Monday puts into words what my spirit is feelings:
“Thus my heart was grieved, and I was vexed in my mind. I was so foolish and ignorant; I was like a beast before You. Nevertheless, I am continually with You; You hold me by my right hand. You will guide me with Your counsel and afterward will receive me to glory.”
Everything feels completely out of wack. My health. My parenting. My immediate family. My schedule. Everything. Absolutely everything. And today, I threw my mind out the window with everything else.
I’m pretty sure I am beginning to feel the first pangs of PPD (Post Partum Depression). My stomach churns just typing those words because of the havoc PPD has wreaked in my life before. It seems to hit me hardest between 3 and 9 months post partum. Yay me…
Do you want to know something that is incredibly frustrating? (Please don’t send me hate mail over this…) Why do people jump to help when someone is going through physical hardships, but the emotional ones get pushed into a corner? Why do people want to help you if you just almost died, but if you want to die they don’t act? (I am not suicidal or having any harmful thoughts). Perhaps because physical needs are alittle more concrete, they can have an end time generally, and there are physical tasks to be helped with? I don’t know, but I do know one thing: the Lord put me on this Earth to help put an end to this ridiculous norm. Take a deep breath, Natasha…
The world feels so heavy and this week I have failed at every level of my 5 Focuses (see here, here and here for more on that). And not just forgot about them, or set them aside, I have drastically messed up in every category. Please cue dramatic music because that feels appropriate.
HEALTH: Some good news: my neurology appointment went really well. I have an MRI of the brain scheduled for next week, just to make sure nothing was missed. Physical Therapy has been incredibly difficult for me physically and emotionally. My GI blood work still came back with elevated liver enzymes but no other determining factors so we are at a standstill with those issues. My echocardiogram had to be rescheduled for next week due to some miscommunications. I doubled up on my probiotic, since I missed a few days, and miserably spent a good 24 hours in a lot of pain… Oops.
5 FOCUSES: Last week went decently. I saw some areas that I needed to adjust and had grand plans of adjusting them this week. Those plans crash landed in the middle of the desert and burst into flames.
MENTAL HEALTH: Today I am in a horrible fog. As if you can’t tell by this post… I’m still thinking through how to best talk about this.
END NOTE? Praise be to Jesus for those whom I’ve reached out to, those who wanted to celebrate my birthday, those who have done so many things for us during this hard time. None of those things were in vain… Thank you. I know this wasn’t a very uplifting post, but if anything, I want everyone to know who reads this, that I am human. Without Jesus, I am simply nothing and no, I don’t have it all together, no matter how badly I want that. Tomorrow will be better.